Liebe

Dear hyperactivity and insomnia: you make me insane. I am pretty pleased with life as of now though. The things that i have always wanted to accomplish are finally within my grasp. Its taken a hell of a lot of time, but its finally coming together. I am so proud of myself. I have a long way to go to reach my goals, but i now know that i can do it because even accomplishing what i have makes me confident. I never thought that i would make it this far. It doesnt seem like i have done a whole lot, but considering that only about a year ago i was just going to give up and become a drug dealer....yeah i think that i have come a long way. Life changes so drastically sometimes. And most times i dont know why, but out of all the pain that has to be endured, its always worth it. Its like some weird design. At this point of time i am still only in love with music. Its the only thing that i want to  do in my life. There just doesnt seem to be another option. and im okay with that. I get a lot of crap for it, Most people want me to have some normal cliche job like medical or military, but literally and truly...can you see me in either of those? i dont think so. I know the ratio of people making it in the music bizz is slim to none,but i dont want to make it. I just want to be happy and surrounded by it. I dont care how

Crazy.

That is the only way to describe it.

I think i have finally found what has been my issue my entire life.

I am going to get it checked out

But it is genetic, so i don't feel so bad because it is not my fault.

I miss people though

and sadly i think my condition pushed some amazing people out of my life

It's heartbreaking

wow. another year has already passed. it seems like just yesterday i was in North Carolina having my first Christmas with my 6...wow time has flown. well i'm sitting here at Kristen's house. i pulled an all-nighter. it is 6:30 am and i am showing no signs of tiredness. that could be good or bad who knows. don't really know what we have planned for today. probably a movie and seeing some old faces. should be cool. other then that, there isn't much that is too exciting. i was just playing the guitar and thinking about a few things and i realized that i  only have 2 days till i leave. that is sad, but at the same time its very exciting. i am moving....yet again. i don't even think i should count this as a move. it was more like an extended vacation, complete with DRAMA. gotta love it. but i am excited to go back to North Carolina. i think that it is going to be really good for me considering the situation that i am in right now. i'm pretty sure all my friends are confused as to why i am coming back, but i will go into that deeper with them later. how fun for them........not.hehe. but beyond all the drama-rama and all that jazz, my life is perking up to be something wonderful. and i am so thankful that i had this time here in California. i was able to REALLY think about what i want and it was a time where i could just relax. it was very nice. but i am so excited for 2009 because i am going to be one of the most busiest human beings on the planet. between working, school, baby sitting, and working on my music resume, i'm going to have a lot to do. i will probably lose many hours of sleep. which is fine....sleeping is for when you are dead anyways. =)
as much fun as i had in 2008, i am way excited that it is over. 2009 is going to be even BETTER. probably one of the best.
yay

So i am sitting here in my bed, pondering this beautiful thing called life. It really is just that=beautiful.  i am always the type of person to look at the bright side of EVERYTHING. i guess its a good curse to have. life seems to be flying at me, and something happened the other day that truly made me open my eyes. its going to sound like a cliche story, but sometimes those things hit you the hardest. so i was in the shower and i was just trying to calm my thoughts right? it was probably about 10:30 p,m. i kept thinking to myself all the things that i had to do, all my goals that i needed to reach and i soon felt myself losing control of my mind. i kind of started to panic, but as i was getting out of the shower, i just took a deep breath and i let it all go. because the last thing i wanted to do was to have a bad energy around me. no one wants that. so anyways, i put my pajamas on and i went to go sit on the couch with Kristen and her mom Tressa, and i notice that Tressa is crying. i soon came to find out that a close friend of Tressa's has a brain tumor and they were going in the next day to see whether it was benign or not. Tressa was in hysterics. and something hit my heart so hard it practically knocked the breath out of me. Tressa said "Life is just so precious" and then it dawned on me......IT IS! there i was, complaining to myself and having a pity party over all the "important" stuff that i had to do. and then when i started to think about who/what really mattered most in my life, all of that other "stuff" didn't seem so important. my point to all of this babbling is this: life is so short and so so so precious. i know we hear that a lot, but i want it to register with people. if we all lived the way we wanted to live and we all just let our cares go, then we would never have pain. but i guess Helen Keller was right: "we could never learn to be brave and patient if there was only joy in the world" how correct is that.
stop looking at the things that you don't have (yet) and start to look at the things that you do have, and show GRATITUDE for those things. i can promise that more of what you want will come your way if you just do the small step of saying thank you

 yay. due time for a bit of venting. so i am seeing that no matter what i do with my life, where i go, who im with, i will ALWAYS make someone else upset. seriously, its no matter what i do. and i have no idea why it is like that....i think i make it that way subconsciously. anyways, the only thing that i wish people would truly understand is the fact that i will NEVER STAY IN ONE PLACE. so i thought that most people would know that....especially my family, but it seems like they are the only ones that DONT get it. so here is my one cry out: I WILL NEVER STAY IN ONE PLACE....please let me say it again I WILL NEVER STAY IN ONE PLACE!!!!!!! that is all that i can say, because i do not want people to feel like i am deliberately attacking them... it has nothing to do with you, or the circumstance, or anything else. it is just who i am. its in the blood. sorry

i have decided that i am not going to worry about what anyone thinks anymore
because it seems that no matter what i do, i always end up hurting SOMEONE
so now im just going to do what makes me happy
because im exhausted


but there are 2 things that i will do in my ife
1.ich reise mit TH
2. ich werde ein buch schreiben

AKA
i WILL travel with TH
and i WILL write a book

 my life is just one surreal blur. im assuming that its one of those things where a bunch of bull crap happens and then your life turns perfect. i could sure use some perfection right now. so it amazes me how much i remember every day. i use the term remember the same way most would use "learn". it seriously baffles me. so i have a dream in my mind. one that never goes away. it is forever. and i know that i am going to reach that goal...that dream. but just getting there is going to be the fun challenge. its kind of bittersweet. because in between the struggles and the conflict, there always seems to come my greatest joy and hope. almost like a real life pandoras box. amazing in a sense. 
in all this mess, i am indeed so grateful for having a role model. his name is William Beckett and he never ceases to amaze me. he inspires me and gives me hope like no other. i am literally stunned by every word he speaks

" I'm like a proud candle that wont melt, trapped inside a miniature canister, filled with oil to spare. Sitting at a table with 3 chairs, slightly off center beneath a massive chandalier." -WB

stunning

 life is insane


how the hell did i get here?

Living in beautiful Los Angeles now. its a little stressful to be honest. I had to grow up more in the past week then i have in the past 18 years.  I have no idea how i can take care of myself but i am learning relatively quickly. its all about experience. That is how my life has always been. Its weird to think that no one is responsible for me anymore...just me. Kind of bizarre. wicked sweet on one end....but scary nonetheless. i know that i can do it though. i have always prevailed in the past. its also bizarre because my dreams are coming true WAYYYYYYY sooner then i expected them to. im not complaining, but i didnt think i was ready. now i know i am. i am soooooo excited for my future. it is going to be the most amazing time of my life and i have no doubt in my mind that 2009 is going to be one of the greatest years of my life. i feel it in every inch of my body. i have never been this happy before.
i kinda like the feeling
=)

Sorta...so i feel as if my life is spiraling out of control. im pretty used to that feeling but i wish that it would go away. i just find myself wanting to just like....give up. i dont know. its weird. i get to see my brother get married this weekend. that is a scary thought. and im going back to a place that i havent seen in over a year. im excited but nervous that my sister might never want to come back. i dont really know how to deal with that. and i learned that i get my feelings hurt way too easily. i used to be just numb to everything. i never got my feelings hurt, never let anything get to me. i used to be a lot tougher then i am now. and i get all wrapped up in my emotions it is making me sick. and i am so overwhelmed and stressed that i feel that i am pushing everyone in my life away.why is it that whenever i need those people the most, i always push them away in my greatest time of need? that doesnt even make sense. maybe it is just a defense mechanism but i need to get control of myself. this is ridiculous.  so if i seem distant or moody (well more then usual) i just ask that you give me some space but dont give up on me. i cant even handle myself sometimes. so this is my sincere apology.just please have patience with me. i will pull through this but it might take some time

whyyyyy is it that i can never fall asleep? i mean like EVER
i feel so lame because normal people get tired around like 11 pm or so....not me. what is like 2:30 am and i want to go run some laps. i mean come on, its getting ridiculous. i hate sleep. i think we should all become vampires and just  not sleep....EVER. but then again, i do love it oh so much...butttttt i always do it at innappopriate times. i dont think that i am normal...shock of my life. wow my head is spinning...i think i might explode. i have no idea what to feel right now...i want to laugh and cry at the same time...

is  that normal?

and my elipses are getting annoying...................dammit.

anyways, i think that i am just overly exhausted which could explain this pointless tangent

but anyways i am going to go attempt to sleep...not looking good since Jake snores like a "cow in heat" as Maegan would say

goodness gracious

and my grammar sucks my ________ in this post, so ignore it

ta-ta for now